love letters

 

We are so differs to each other. The way we think, the way we understand each other. Every time I felt this uneasy feelings, I pray to God to show me the right path, to ease everything. And yet, this feeling keep on coming again, and again. I can't describe it in words, and I'm stuck with it. The more I know you, the more I think I shouldn’t be here. I can't give what u gave to me. I cant love as much as u are. I don’t know whats the meaning of love unconditionally. As long as I live in this world, I never have a proper feeling to any man. Its just seem so difficult as I was been trained to have only myself in my live. Sometimes, I can't take care of your feelings if I did something wrong. Even tho I knew it was wrong, but I would deny it. And pretend nothing happened. And through that process, I lost myself in that path. U have been so kind enough to me. I cant hope more. But I miss the times when we can talk freely as friends. I miss when I can share my problems no matter what it is. But now, it was so different. I was no longer can share my problems to you, because sometimes I feel like u wouldn’t understand me. And I blame myself for that. Because we live in different ways of thinking. There's one time, I tried to share, and it gave nothing to me. And from that I stopped myself to show what I had to face. I know it will be too selfish for me, to demand someone that would understand me in a way that I want. But I can't pretend anymore. I cant hurt you. U used to be someone that precious to me. For you to know, this was the first time, first relationship that I can't give up. I tried to save it. I tried to ignore my uneasy feelings. We both had grew up. And this is the serious thing that we shouldn’t playing child with it. And because of it, I keep on searching the answers. I might be regret for what I will decide, but if this is the only way for me to save it, and I would do it. As far as know, u have that same feelings too. I bet u have a lot to say to me, about my act to you and all. If we continue this relationship, I will keep on hurting u, and I will say sorry for my wrongdoings, and things will keep on happens. And I fear I will really lost myself. I was not prepare enough for these responsibilities. The moment when I said that I accept you in my life, yes that is true. But then things keep on happened. I started to think if I did the right thing. And I always pray to Him, to ease everything to us, because I don’t want to hurt you. And I might can't find anyone like you anymore. But it seems like I was wrong. The problem that I had to face for myself is more way bigger for me to take care of it than you. And I feel I can't handle it. To love others, we need to love ourselves first. Love is great, but loving yourself must always comes first. We cant pour from an empty cup, so does an empty heart. And I don’t want this relationship to have just faith but no love. Just for you to know, I tried to think positive, for the sake of you, for the sake of our relationship. As time passes by, things getting worst. I feel bad when I said “there's nothing to worry” but in reality there is it to worry about. It will make me become a bad person, because I will destroy everything, because deep down I know u had tried so hard. And that made me always consider for my decisions. And I don’t even know when will this page will be read.

I'm really happy to know you, and I'm grateful for it. Allah sends u, in a good way. And I want to treat in good way too. U are so nice to me, understanding, accepting me and everything that I can't dared to have more. It was indeed blessed to have u. I asked God to help me, and this might be His answer, and might be not. Separating from each other is not what I want. But the friendship is what I want. I know myself so well, I can't accept this new thing yet in my life. Because I know I don’t understand yet what love it is. But I do love our friendship. And you might think why I keep this secret for so long, because as I said before, this is my first relationship that I don’t want to give up. But then I knew i can't. The truth that I was not prepared with it, it hurts  me, and it will hurt you more. And I don’t have that courage to tell you. And until now I'm confused of what to do. I might owe my whole life for forgiveness for hurting you. And I'm scared with it. But I'm more scared to hurt you later than now. Better to have painful certainty than sweet uncertainty. It would be nice to know what u feels too.

Reasons

Ada perkara yang membuatkan aku untuk terus berjuang

Ada perkara yang membuatkan aku hilang arah tujuan

Ada perkara yang terus membuatkan aku jatuh dan biarkan semua itu berlalu

A lot of things happened. Suka duka. Semua ada.

Sebab tu tuhan pesan, everything happened for reasons. 

Cuma kita yang tak nampak.

p/s i have a new story on wattpad, feel free to check it out ( @suratputih )

Lost

Heyya , so I guess this was the longest time since I left my entry for several months. 

I can’t find any word to say, its just I lost. 

I lost my way. 

I lost my hope. 

I throw my life away.

I lost several people. I ran away from reality. 

Sampai satu tahap aku dah tak mampu nak rasa apa-apa. I lost my interest doing my favourite things. 

Its gone. 

I know everything , that bad n good things.

But somehow, orang sekeliling making it become more worst. I dont trust myself anymore, feel like useless, scared to meet people.

Its kinda tired when I started to heal from that wound, but then things getting more complicated, at one point, my true self was gone. 

Doesn’t have any interested with what I’m doing, like to be alone. It doesn’t matter what I’m facing was that hard or easy for us, as u lost your life with that kind of hardship, u will somehow slowly give up with everything.

It makes u feel scared to face that life.

This point of my life, the hardest thing that I had to cope , I had to face. 

I’m alone. 

I become more depressed until I felt like I just want to finish my study and leave this place. No matter how I’m trying to be cool, to be heartless, to be strong, I can’t be that person anymore. 

Somehow I lost myself. 

I forgot everything.

I forgot that I have my family, that always trust me and support me when nobody there.

I forgot that I have Him, that always be there anytime and anywhere.

I just forgot about that things.

So, here I want to press out.

Do not be alone, sometimes strangers can be like a family to us. 

You just feel disappointed with people, but keep on remembering that there still some people care about you.

Its hard to trust people again, if u can’t, gladly to know that u have Him every single time.

I know something, u are getting stronger. Trust yourself. I know its hard. I know things will happen again and again, u will feel want to run over n over, but think about it. 

Allah saves u everytime u felt want to end this life.

Its just another point in my life, yang Allah nak uji. And for sure, takkan melebihi kemampuan kita untuk hadapinya. 

If this things keep on going, I hope I can love myself, love my family, love my friends. 

Death will come, for sure.

May Allah eases everything for us. Fihifzillah. 

And for you, that always trust me, loving me, never give up with me, deeply inside I want to say, I'm sorry for everything. And thank you for everything. May Allah enfolds u with His bless wherever u are.