tipulah kalau tak rindu

Its been about 5 years now, we had know each other. Tapi its been a long time , kita tak contact each other. Ini cerita tentang kawan aku. Pernah menjadi kawan rapat aku juga. 

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Kitaorang kenal masa form 4, bukan satu sekolah, tapi satu kelas masa kelas tambahan kat luar. Dia baik sangat. But I hurt him once.

He once jadi my good listener. Banyak benda kami share , problems, thoughts and so on. To be honest, one of my friend yang know me better than anyone else is him. He knows about my past, perangai aku, karenah aku, and same goes with me. He shared his past with me, problems. We guide us together to be a better person. 

Sampaila satu saat tu, one thing happened, and it’s the end of our relationship-listener-together. 

Disebabkan that one thing, I lost my friend.

I lost my good listener. And starting from there I tend to keep silent, not sharing more with others. Its not his fault, is my fault. Put all the blames on me. Aku tak pernah sedikit pun berniat untuk hurt him, and I’m not expected it will be this worst. 

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But who knows, what will happen right? Kita manusia, hanya mampu merancang. Allah is the best planner.

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After spm, I went to futher my studies in foundation of sc dekat uitm. And he got offered from MARA , doing his A Level dekat kolej mara, in chemical engineering. We started to stop our conversation masa aku still kat asasi. And it was my fault sebab aku tak berani untuk explain anything to him. Betul la orang cakap, once they left, baru kau terasa ketiadaan and whats he really meant to you. 

But for you to know, even aku tak pernah dah contact dengan dia, I still follow about his life,thru my friend. Yang kebetulan kawan aku tu, satu grup dengan dia. So from that, aku tahu how his life now, bila dia ada exam, macam mana result exam dia. Tapi hahahha, even aku tahu, aku tak pernah pun wish him goodluck, sebab aku rasa he is doing really well out there, and I don’t think so he want to meet me again. HAHAHAHA. 

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He wouldn’t. 

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So apa yang aku mampu buat, aku just secretly get information about him, pray for him. Itu je yang aku mampu. I don’t have that keberanian untuk contact dia. Corny right? Hahhaha

Tapi sokay, aku paham. Sebab aku yang created that situation, so I don’t want to make him mess with me anymore. He is a good friend ever. 

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Apa motif aku tulis entry ni? Hahahaha , its just I want him to be in my writing also. Aku nak dia wujud dalam penulisan aku, and to remind myself yang aku pernah ada kawan as good as him.

And the best news is,,,, sekarang dia dah fly pun. Hahaha a few months ago. Dan aku pun dah second year in my degree. Sometimes , kalau aku rasa nak give up, aku teringat kat dia. 

“ It’s a good thing, if he is here” 

“ I need someone to talk”

Then I remind myself, naaa he’s not here anymore. 

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Masa dia dah nak fly tu kan, aku ada contact dia. Its really hit my nerve, I was like in tachycardia that time. And ya for sure, dia terkejut. Then, aku cakap goodluck to him. 

Dan. For the first time ever, in my life I say that I miss someone. 

Sebelum ni, aku tak pernah cakap aku rindu anyone yang different gender, sebab, aku ni jenis ego. Fikiran aku like, u guys not really as important for me, can waste my time with this feeling things. 

So, here we go. Aku cakap benda tu. Aku cakap aku rindu. Tapi masa tu, aku tak harapkan apa-apa. Lagipun dia kawan aku. Dan aku tahu dia dah move with what had happened. Cuma masa tu, aku lega sangat. Sebab aku cakap apa yang aku rasa. 

Beb, dia nak fly jauh beb. What if kalau umur aku tak panjang to meet him again in future. Even duduk Malaysia pun susah nak jumpa, ni apa lagi kalau overseas sana tu haa. 

Apa yang aku ingat dia cakap, dia happy sebab aku still doing my art. He sense my present there. Thank you beb, thank you. 

okay ni , aku tulis masa malam tu.

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Last night, I text him. Yes, him.

It was like a dream, at last I have that strength to text him.

It is the first time, I tell a guy, what I REALLY feel all this times. But I don’t have guts sebelum ni,

We talk, and. As I expected, he really really dah make a forward. He really doing well out there.

Somehow this the concrete reason why I cant contact him anymore, and why I keep follow his life in silent, cuz I know that, he is doing well without me. And apart from that, aku takut , I will make he feel uneasy again. Just enough,. Cukuplah the last time .

Well, we met a few years ago. Its been five years ago. And keep counting.

A lot of things happened between us, like a rollercoasters. Sometimes up , sometimes down. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad.

Tak pernah sedetik pun, I blame on you for what had happened. U did well. And because of that I did well too. Well, lets fate fare us well.

Aku tak pernah story sangat about him. Cuz I don’t have words to describe him. And I never hate him.

Sebab. HE IS THE NICEST GUY THAT I HAD EVER MET .

Secara tak sedar, he always in my pray.

Well now, dia dah nak fly dah weh.

UK, nun jauh sana. Semakin jauh. 

The distance, is hurt me. Ahahaha

But, if you are okay, then I am okay too.

Our destination is same. Want to success.

May Allah shower you with His blees.

May Allah protect you wherever u are.

Thanks to you, Allah.

U made me came this far.

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Cukup la kut, yang tu je aku nak cerita hahaha.

If want to talk about move on with what had happened. Alhamdulillah , aku dah move on. Cuma , aku pun manusia. Bukannya robot. Aku tak mampu jadi heartless.

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Tipulah kalau aku cakap, aku tak rindu.